Just Being a Giver is Dangerous

In my previous post, I discussed how every giver needs a receiver. We can't all be givers, and we can't all be receivers. I realize now that my desire to take care of myself and not need to receive anything from anyone has made me fall into some dangerous traps. 

• As I've been obsessed with taking care of my own needs so that nobody has to help me, I've ended up only giving to myself. I've run out of energy to help others. I've ended up being more selfish, but all the while I was patting myself on the back because I am not a burden to anyone else. 
• When I don't need others, I don't form emotional connections with people, and I fail to practice vulnerability with others. When I hide behind my facade of perfection, it only makes others feel the need to hide as well.

God created us all uniquely and the fact that you have weaknesses and strengths are not a mistake. God didn't create people who were capable of being completely self-sufficient and never needing another human being. God intended for us to live together and help each other. Your weakness may be my strength and my weakness may be your strength. It's also possible that by combining our weaknesses, we are able to come together to help each other overcome those things that seem to trip both of us up. 

Yes, it says in Philippians 4:13, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." But if you read on to verse 14, you will see that Paul also said, "It was kind of you to share my trouble."  God's intention was to use us to help each other. God isn't going to physically come to earth and go to the grocery store for Sally while she recovers from surgery. God isn't going to call the florist and send flowers to Jenny when she needs something to brighten her day. He is asking you to do that. There are many things, most of which are not extraordinary, that God is directing us to do. Open your eyes and look at everyone around you and let's try to give to someone besides ourselves.

Every Giver Needs a Receiver

I've lived my life really embracing the last part of Acts 20:35. "....It is more blessed to give than to receive." I have focused so much on the blessing of giving that I interpreted this verse incorrectly. For me, receiving is a weakness, and giving is the only blessing. It would seem that there is an inherent blessing in receiving, but I always feel like a lesser person when I am forced to take something that I was unable to provide for myself. Even when I win a prize, I feel guilty that I received something that someone else didn't receive. I am the oldest child in my family, and I was raised to help my mother and dad in whatever they were doing as well as help my little brothers. I've carried this on into my adult life. In my marriage, I don't always wait for my husband to fix things. I go buy the part and try to fix it myself. I've fixed my dryer, fixed a lawn mower, installed thermocouples in water heaters and gas heaters, and installed faucets and fixed commodes. I don't like to admit that maybe I am incapable of taking care of myself. I want to be considered a strong person who can do it all.

While reading Brené Brown's book Rising Strong, I came face to face with the fact that I do not like to receive. I would rather be the helper and the giver. My identity is found in helping. I am currently working to obtain my Master of Social Work, a degree connected with a helping profession. The first sentence of the Code of Ethics of the National Association of Social Workers says, "The primary mission of the social work profession is to enhance human well-being and help meet the basic human needs of all people." Helping is my middle name. I don't like to tell someone, "No," because it diminishes myself as a person. I am here to help and in my mind if I cannot help, then I am weak, unnecessary, and unimportant. 

I've been privileged to get to know a lovely lady online named Debbie Leitch. She has such a big heart, and she loves to encourage and give to others. She has sent me cards, pictures, messages, and a beautiful glass basket. She is a truly compassionate giver. I'm not the only one she gives to either. She told me one day about someone she knew that needed a friend so she took them to a museum and a park, and this is something she does on a regular basis with multiple people. As I've learned of all the things that Debbie does, I am so amazed and humbled, because you see, Debbie has Spina bifida and she is in a wheel chair. She has a special van fitted to her so she can drive, and she uses that to give help and encouragement to other people in need. Debbie requires lots of assistance from other people, but she accepts that help with graciousness and then is able to turn around and give back with that same grace. I've told Debbie how much I admire her and her spirit, but I hope I can learn to give and receive like she does. 

Brené Brown determined that when we judge ourselves as weak because we have to ask for help, we also judge those we are helping as weak. If you read the first part of Acts 20:35, you will notice that we are supposed to help the weak. Our society has somehow made the word weak into a dirty word. We judge weakness as a sin and something that should and can be overcome. As I thought about all of this, and I remembered the verse in Acts which has been my guiding light, I wondered, "Is the Bible wrong?" Am I wrong to prefer giving to receiving? So I went and read it again--not just from memory. As I stood in the front of the mirror ruminating, I saw the light bulb go off in my head. I blurted out, "It says, 'More blessed to give.'" So I rewrote the verse to say, "It is blessed to receive, but is more blessed to give." I have been selfishly trying to always get the extra blessing. If we are all givers, then who would receive? For every giver, there must be a receiver. In order to be blessed by giving, we must learn to also be blessed by receiving. We can't truly be compassionate givers if we don't know how to be weak and need help and need to receive. Weakness in life is going to happen and it doesn't make us less important, less loved, or less beautiful! We should all be givers and receivers. In fact when you receive from someone, you are allowing them to get that extra blessing. Don't cheat them, learn to receive as graciously as you give. 

Love For Everyone

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Loves never ends! I Corinthians 13:4-8(b) 

If you have read the Bible at all, gone to church at all, or looked at any inspirational posts, you've probably heard about the love chapter, I Corinthians 13. For some reason, it seems we always apply it to husband/wife relationships. The Greek word used for love in this chapter is agape which means the most ultimate love; the kind of love that sacrifices everything. It's the same word used in John 3:16.

So now Love seems much harder. This isn't the kind of love you have only when you are "in love" with your spouse. This love applies to everyone. This is the love we have when we aren't "in love" with our spouse. This is the kind of love we should have for even our enemies. It's even the kind of love you should have for God.

I know some of you are probably thinking that you love God this way already. If you do, then I applaud you. I also assume that you never get impatient with God. I'm guessing you never ask him why he won't hurry up and answer your prayer? Is he even doing anything? Doesn't he see that you have a problem? You never want your own way either, or get resentful when you don't get your way. If you are like me, then your love for God is imperfect at best. 

The words used to describe love in this passage: rejoices, bears, believes, hopes, endures, and endless show us power. This is some amazing love. This is the kind of love that doesn't require you to perform good deeds. You don't have to be perfect to get it. You don't have to even be useful. You just have to be.

If we love God with this love and love our neighbors with this kind of love, we will change our world. In fact, it is the greatest commandments God has given you.

And he said to him, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets." - Matthew 22:37-40

This has made me want to take each part of "the love chapter" and think of ways to apply it to my life. What do I need to work on bearing or enduring? Who do I need to hope good things for? Is there something I need to quit rejoicing in and something I need to start rejoicing in? Love is what God wants me to do. You may have a job outside the home or be a stay-at-home mom, but whatever you do or where ever you go, you are called to Love. If you are looking for God's will for your life, I recommend you start with Love. 

Sassy, sarcastic, and smart

Fifteen years ago today, I had a baby. She was the most beautiful baby to me. I remember sitting and rocking her and crying, because I couldn't believe how perfect she was. I was so grateful that God gave me a healthy baby girl, and I felt guilty that not everyone got to feel the pure, unadulterated love I was feeling. Hannah has grown to become such a beautiful young lady and she is sassy, sarcastic and smart. I'm kind of proud of the sarcasm part of her, because I know she got that from me. It may not be the best quality to give, but I hear that sarcastic people are actually smarter.

Hannah really is smart. She can't cut a straight line to save her life or play any sports, but she is so smart. I'm wiser than her, but she is so much smarter than I am and some day, she will be wiser than me as well.

She is not afraid to tell people the honest truth. I love that about her. I always like to say what people want to hear, but she is brave. She also isn't scared to tell me how she feels and that is exactly how I want it. She loves me and I love her and I don't let a day go by without letting her hear the words, "I love you!" 

Watching Hannah grow has been the highlight of my life. I guess there will be a moment when I wish we could go backwards, but every day is such an adventure that I like moving forward. She is 15 today, and I know that I'll blink and she'll be graduating and going to college. I'm anxious and excited all the same. My granddaughter likes to call this nerviscited.  I can't believe God chose me to be Hannah's mother. I haven't always done the best job, but I've always been grateful that God chose me to do the job. Happy Birthday Hannah Banana! I love you! 

Some of my favorite Hannah pictures

Yes, you conduit!

I was talking to a friend today and she said she wanted to be better and let Jesus flow through her. I told her, "Yes, we need to be a conduit for Jesus."  I thought of how I feel defeated so much. I do well and then I mess up and feel like I've ruined everything. I start eating healthy, and then one day seems to ruin all of my hard work. I always think, "I can do this!" Then life slams into me and I end up crying, "I can't do this!"

I came into work all pumped and ready to shed joy on all those around me and be a conduit of Jesus' love. When I got here, I had to read a document accusing me of things I didn't say. I immediately got all angry and wanted to tell this lawyer a few things, but I stopped and realized that I was flooded with negativity. I was allowing a flood of anger, unhappiness, and hatefulness to flow through me. Apparently we are always conduits, sometimes we are just allowing the wrong things to flow through us. So I'm going to breathe and try to be a conduit of love, peace, patience, and joy. Come on, you conduit.

Am I right, or am I right?

Everything you do and say from the beginning of your life is judged based on how correct you are. Parents teach you what is right and wrong. Teachers, friends, law enforcement, and bosses all teach you what is wrong, right, or acceptable behavior. Preachers and Sunday school teachers lead you down the paths they feel are correct. I'm afraid we spend more time teaching kids what we think is truth instead of teaching them how to find the truth for themselves. Yes, I believe in explaining what you believe to your children, but if they are just reciting what they are taught, it will never translate to a personal relationship with God. They need to discover the truth for themselves.

When we discover truth, our knee-jerk reaction is to persuade everyone to believe just as we do. I mean, why would they want to be wrong? I have said things in jest, said things in ignorance, and said things in self-righteousness that I truly hope people can forget and not judge my entire existence by those words. My belief system has evolved over time based on my continued study and the circumstances I've lived through.

I write this because there are so many opinions out there these days, and so many people wanting to share them. Then there are people with opinions about those opinions. It's all such a whir and sometimes I can't keep up with who is right and who is wrong. So I've discovered an easy trick to know the answer. If someone speaks or blogs, they are right and wrong. I suspect they have some thread of truths and are incorrect about some others. Maybe the best we can hope to do is reduce the number of things we are wrong about. I have some truths that I won't budge on. I've settled them in my head and my heart, but there are a whole slew of others that I may or may not be completely correct about. I figure God will make it abundantly clear when I need to know

I keep thinking that one day I will reach some nirvana of truth and freedom from my humanity. I am discovering that my whole life is a journey toward that end. I don't have the answers. I will never again tell someone I have all the answers. Yes, Jesus is the answer, but then he also triggers a lot of other questions. Life will always provide you with more questions than answers so just get used to it. The only people I worry about are the ones who are certain they are right. Am I right, or am I right?

Grace For Everyday

Sometimes I'm dumb enough to go back and read old blog posts. I usually regret it, because I always sound like I know what I'm talking about. I sound condescending to my own self. Then I see me "discovering" principles and truths that I had already discovered in the past, but failed to apply and put into practice. Why do I have to keep learning the same old lessons over and over again? 

Paul spoke about dying daily, and it's something I've been thinking about a lot the past few weeks. I started a bible study entitled A call to die by David Nasser. It asks some hard questions, and makes you evaluate your motives for everything you do. Why do I do the things I do? Is it to gain favor with God, favor that I already have and can not possibly attain? We've already established that most of what I do is in hopes that people will like me. I still want God to like me more than I feel like he could. 

It's really all about my sense of worth. I've known for many years that my sense of worth had its issues, and I used to think I had a poor sense of self-worth. Now I'm realizing how really self-absorbed I am. It is natural, because that's the way this world works, but it's not okay. We are taught to take care of ourselves, promote ourselves, and make sure we succeed. I'm the oldest child, and I've always wanted to do it by myself. I wanted to live on my own, pay my own way, and I despise my own weakness. That pride keeps me from understanding God's grace. 

God's grace is needed on my best days just as much as it's needed on my worst days. I need his grace when I think I'm living some form of perfection. I need his grace when I think I am not messing up. I cannot do a single day without it. His grace is worth more than I can imagine and it's capable of so much more than I could ever hope for it to be. Today, as I sit and ruminate about God's grace, I am overwhelmed with emotion. His grace really is amazing!

Please Tell Me You Like Me

Every once in a while I meet these people who really don't seem to care what others think. I sometimes think they are pretending, but they can be really convincing. Then there are people who care, but they refuse to compromise what they believe in or what they want out of life by doing something just to make other people happy. I've always envied those people. I really want to be like that someday. I've lived a great portion of my life trying to make sure everyone liked me. You find out what everyone prefers, which is easy if you pay attention, because everyone wants to let you know what they like and don't like. Then you just learn to juggle everyone's needs and try to also take care of yourself. It's simple really, so long as you stay in bed and never leave your house! There are so many people who are scared to death of not being liked. It's a way of life for most teenagers. They do everything in an effort to fit in and make sure everyone likes them. 

At 42 years old, I've realized that it's impossible to please everyone, and I've been living my life in constant obeisance to the complainers. I've decided I need to decide what glorifies God and is best for me based on my stage in life, and forget about the complainers. Although, that works so much better in theory than in practice.

Affirmation and approval are drugs that I love. I love them more than chocolate. On April 3, I started a 40 day social media fast. When I decided to do it, I knew that it would not be easy. I love my social media. I love to be funny and I love for people to like me. So when you like my posts, respond to posts, or share my posts, you are saying, "Tammie, I like you!' On April 3, I decided that for 40 days I would not interact or post on my accounts. I wouldn't look at my notifications and I wouldn't look at others posts as much as humanly possible. If you don't understand what that means, then you haven't decided to avoid all social media for 40 days. There are pictures and invitations that you will completely miss if you aren't checking religiously. These days, the only way you get invited to some events are through Facebook. People tag you in stuff and you get told by other people. You hear through the grapevine that something exploded on Facebook or Twitter and everyone is talking about it. I'm currently on day 25 and counting. So here are some things I've learned from no social media:

• Affirmation and approval are my drugs of choice.
• The scariest thing in the world for me is to be alone with my thoughts.
• I'd rather give up chocolate for 40 days than social media.
• God is making me better despite all of my hangups.  

The last one is the important one. God is making me better, because I'm allowing Him to work on me. I've spent a lot of time not letting God work. When God works, it hurts and stings; it's like going to the dentist. We dislike it so much that we avoid it! Sometimes we avoid it until He has a lot of work to do all at once and it seems like it would be easier to just stay the way we are. Bringing our will into submission with His is so difficult when we are trying to swim against the flow. I have so many days when I want to just be selfish Tammie and demand what I want, but I'm trying to die to myself daily. Philippians 1:6 says, "And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." So when we get to heaven, we can go around looking at all the finished works of art. "Oh, look at the Tammie. He finally finished her; I didn't think she would ever figure it all out. What a beautiful thing He made!"

For the Love of Self

“The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.” Carl Jung

If you could live in my head and listen to my thoughts, you would hear a lot of negativity directed at me. You would hear a lot of phrases berating me for stupid actions and needless words. If I mess up, you can be assured that I will be the first one to scold myself. I never thought this was a problem; it's just me and how I feel about me doesn’t hurt anyone else. Does it? It seems that my feelings for myself do affect others. I see some of my own attitudes and feelings being reflected in my daughter and it isn’t pretty. In an effort to be humble, I have become very self-obsessed. I tend to be too serious, and I am constantly afraid I may seem vain or self-promoting. This also causes me to do and say things that seem offensive to myself even more. I’m in a cycle of self-defeat.


I spent my whole life trying to encourage others and be all things to all people, but the years of constant castigation of myself have left me drained with nothing left to give. I saw someone post a tweet a week or so ago saying we must love ourselves because God instructed us to "love our neighbor as ourselves." (Matt 19:19) At first I brushed it off, but then I realized that I would never say the things to my neighbor that I say to myself. Not loving myself hasn’t made me a better person, it’s kept me from growing. It’s caused me to be infinitely insecure. So the question I have now is how to fix this. Should I buy some cheesy self-help book, stand in front of the mirror and repeat affirming things to myself, or give myself five compliments for every negative comment. The first thing I have done is admitted the problem. Yes, I do not love Tammie and it is a problem. Next, I am giving the problem to God and asking for His direction in the repair work.

How Much Longer?

Every time we go on a long trip,  my daughter asks the question "How much longer?" or "Are we almost there?" at least a hundred times. On Saturdays, we go to town to run errands and I often hear the question, "Where are we going next?" Usually, after hearing these questions multiple times, I begin to say, "You’ll know when we get there." Our humanity longs to know exactly where we are going and how long it will take. We hate not knowing the plan.

In my spiritual journey, I am the same way. I am always impatient to know exactly how and when point A will lead to point B. I always want a map or GPS that gives me a clear list of instructions of where to go and which turns to make. God just does not work that way though. He is the Father and I am the child, and I must depend on him. To believe in the divine providence of God, Liz Curtis Higgs says, is to believe that "God is there, God cares, God rules, and God provides." It doesn’t mean that God will explain His ways or let you in on the plans beforehand. It doesn’t mean that God will consult you and make sure this is what you want. We must trust in His love for us and His amazing knowledge of what is and what is to come. So many things in life do not make sense, but we must lean on His understanding and not our own.

 

This year it seems that I've been in a valley or desert that doesn't seem to end.  I find myself asking God "How much longer?" Today I think I hear Him saying "You'll know when we get there."  So God, I guess I will try to quit asking questions and just enjoy the ride. Sometimes the scenery is not so beautiful, but I know that just around the bend, you have something amazing planned. Don’t let me take control; please take me where you want me to go.

A Long Drink of Silence

Psalm 62:5 For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from Him. 

I’ve always been a thinker and always enjoyed time alone. I am the oldest child in my family and was the only child for almost 5 years. I have two brothers and although we did play together frequently as young children, the older I got, the more I separated myself to read and think. I can remember my oldest brother, who is nearly 5 years younger than me, was always a chatter box. One day I was driving us somewhere and I finally said in exasperation, "Can you please be quiet so I can think!" The silence lasted all of about two seconds when he piped up and asked, "Whatcha thinking about?" Thomas Carlyle said, "Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves together; that at length they may emerge." Ruminating and thinking are the creative platform for almost anything that gets accomplished in this life.

My adult life started with a bang. I started working at age 17, I moved out at 19.  At age 21, I married a widower with two sons. I was attending college full-time and I was working nearly full-time in his office. I had a daughter six years into our marriage and I continued to work in our family practice and brought her to work with me. I’ve had my times of being closer to God and times I’ve drifted away over the years.  It just seems that in the past three years with the trials we’ve experienced and the accumulation of years of things I’ve not dealt with, there were times I felt God had vanished. I could see Him working, but it seemed in my own life He was not speaking; He was silent.

I planned this retreat not really knowing what to expect. I’ve never spent this much time alone in my life. I rarely get silence and I’ve also realized that I tend to make sure there isn’t any. I have music or something to occupy my mind available at all times. There is solitude and a heavy silence surrounding the Hesychia House of Prayer. The only sounds are cows, birds, crunching of grass or gravel as you walk. The silence is somewhat deafening because my mind is far from quiescent. The thoughts have come in droves the longer I sit in silence. There is a calendar in my room that says "Deep Silence Blossoms". I’ve realized that silence increases the volume (both the number and sound) of your thoughts. I’ve tried to limit my music and I haven’t really had anyone to speak to. I have walked, sat, laid and just let my mind wander. In the silence, I feel God as sure as I feel my own skin. The thought that has prevailed is that I want to conquer my selfish, human desires and find contentment in only Him. I’m tired of wallowing in self-pity. It’s time to lay it all down and leave it there. In Isaiah 41:1 it says, "Listen to me in silence, ...let the people renew their strength; let them approach, then let them speak..." As I sit and listen to God in silence, I am renewing my strength that was so very depleted. As my strength starts returning, I feel the need to speak.

Happy, happy, happy

Our society is consumed with being happy, happy, happy. I am probably the biggest proponent of laughter that you will find, but as it says in Ecclesiastes 3:4, there is a time to laugh and a time to cry. Despite the fact that we all have bad times in life, we do our best to cover it up and make sure nobody knows that we are sad, hurting, or broken. We all have to face sickness, death, financial disasters, stress on the job, chaotic schedules, and on top of all that, many of us have children who are involved in too many activities. The stress of our lives is way over the limit of what we should be handling on a daily basis. The past few months have been difficult for me. It seems that the stressors of my life, which are probably about par for the course, have started bothering me more than normal. I heard my husband tell someone the other day that I had been the most mature twenty-one year old in the world. My daddy says that I have "always been a grown-up". I guess all that maturity has finally gotten to me. The past few months, I have had a hard time dragging myself out of this pit that I’ve fallen into and getting myself focused to do the things I need to do. I, like many other moms, have a very active schedule, and the holidays and summer vacation just escalate the madness causing us to endure new heights of stress and chaos in our lives. The past three years, I’ve had several extra stressors come into my life which intensified the normal stress.

 I guess it’s no wonder that sometime at the end of last year, I realized that I was at my limit. I decided I needed to laugh more to get rid of some stress. The more the year has progressed, I started noticing things that I hadn’t noticed before. I began to have more anxiety, wanting to cry all the time, being unable to focus on movies or books like before. I go through spells when I can’t decide what I want to eat or what I want to listen to; I have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep–it is just a general malaise. I have covered well, and when I have tried to talk to people about it, they either don’t understand or don’t think anything is wrong with me. Apparently, I don’t act depressed, but it seems that I have to make myself do everything that is required of me, and I tend to do everything much slower than before. I would just prefer to sit on the couch or lie in bed all day. I can’t actually let myself cry and release any negative emotions because then people will ask what is wrong with me and I really haven’t been too sure about that myself. I apparently am very good at bottling things up and putting on my happy face. I laugh and I smile, and I show frustration over minor things, but I’ve developed quite a skill at tapping down my emotions over the rest of life’s problems. I don’t have time to deal with emotions, if I cry, people will want to discuss it. We really do discourage tears in our society, and we shouldn't. Jesus wept, and he did it in front of his friends.

I’ve been craving time alone. I don’t ever seem to be alone, and if I’m away from my family, it’s to go to a meeting with another group of people. I think that everyone needs time to sit and think and spend time with God. A time to get away from the pressure of a schedule. Even though I’ve had vacations and church camp, they all require something of me while I am there. I am not sure I’ve ever had three days in a row without anywhere to be or anything to do or anyone to be around in my life. Jesus went away for 40 days to be alone and pray, and when we fail to have sufficient alone time with God, the stress of our lives will become too heavy for us.

On September 18, I will turn 40. Most people want to do something radical to mark this event like tattoos, body piercings, skydiving, bungee jumping, or a big trip. I started early this year thinking about what I wanted to do for my birthday. Like everything else, I had no focus and just couldn’t decide. Then last week a friend called and said she wanted to take me away for my birthday. I seriously thought about it and realized that I didn’t want spa treatments, or anything enjoyable per se, or even to be around people. I just wanted to be alone to pray, cry, scream, sleep, sit, read, walk–just be. So on September 15, I will be going to the Hesychia House of Prayer, and yes, it’s a monastery. I know that normal people don’t want to wake up in a Monastery on their birthday, but I am far from normal at this point. I’m tired of being and feeling the way I have this year. So I am going away and me and God are going to wrestle it out. I am not sure how I will react to being alone, but one thing is for certain, Tammie will never be the same again.

God Cannot Love Me Less

When my daughter does something that she knows she should not have done, she always cries and asks me if I still love her.  It is human nature for us to feel unlovable when we sin.  Because of my upbringing, I have always had to fight the mind-set of equating God’s love with my actions. In the back of my mind, I always feel that if I am "good", then God will love me more. On the other hand, when I am bad, which seems to happen with great regularity, then I feel unlovable. I grew up in a very legalistic denomination and there were so many rules that I couldn’t begin to name them. I knew what was acceptable and unacceptable, but it was an unwritten list. I will always be shaped by my earlier experiences, but there are some habits I have had to break. I do not believe that I am saved based on my actions, but for some reason I still fight the feeling that God will somehow love me less if I mess up.

This week in class we studied 1 Samuel 12. The children of Israel wanted to be like all the other nations and have a King, and despite the many warnings that Samuel gave them against this, they kept demanding a King; therefore, God delivered to them their desire. In 1 Samuel 12, Samuel is telling the children of Israel how God has always taken care of them and it is made abundantly clear to them that they have turned away from their God, they have sinned, and they began to be fearful and to feel unloved. In verse 20 Samuel says "Do not be afraid; you have done all this evil, Yet do not turn aside from following the LORD, but serve the LORD with all your heart. For the LORD will not forsake his people.. . ." To me the word forsake means to leave, and the dictionary defines it as "to quit, leave entirely, or abandon." The Hebrew word in this passage actually has a slightly different definition. It means to beat a mass until it is flat or to devalue something. For some reason this clicked with me.  I realized God does not love me less because of my sin. I do not lose value in His sight because of my screw-ups. I have always said that I disappoint God, but He still loves me. I now am beginning to wonder, "Can God be disappointed when He knew I was going to mess up anyway?" God loves me. There is nothing else I can add to that. It makes no sense in my finite human mind. I can’t understand it or fathom how massive His love is. I just know that God loves me with all of His being, and He cannot love me any less!

The Most Important Question

Yesterday, I made a comment to a client which triggered him to share his testimony with me. It resonated with me, because I felt God calling me to witness--to actually speak up and ask someone "Do you know Jesus?" This client said that he was living a very rough life and one day he and the guys he worked with went to a restaurant. He noticed there were some beautiful girls working in this restaurant and he was able to obtain the number of one of them. He was very excited and he called her the next day and the very first question she asked him was, "Are you saved?" He, having no religious experience, totally misunderstood and thought she was worried about him being a safe person to be with.  He quickly assured her that he was safe and assured her of his good intentions. She said, "No, no! You misunderstood.  Are you saved? If you aren't saved then you are lost." He again glossed over the question assuring her that he was a really good guy. She hung up on him. Although, he said from that point he was tormented over her question and what she really meant. It was the beginning of his search for spiritual meaning and his search for God.  He never heard from this girl again, and she doesn't know that she asked him the most important question he ever heard.  

I have felt God tugging at my heart these last months about witnessing. I have lost the vision and the burden for the lost that I once had. Where I once had a burden to help needy and hurting people, it has now become a burden to help needy and hurting people. My husband is a Gideon--one of those men that hands out Bibles. I am in the Auxiliary and I carry a KJV New Testament and a Spanish language New Testament in my purse at all times. I have given out a handful of Bibles in my membership, but not near enough. I pass untold numbers of people everyday who need Jesus. They sit in the very place I work and I never think to ask them "Are you saved?" Last week at church camp I felt God renew my strength and renew my burden. My heart was softened, and it seemed like I couldn't quit crying. Today I prayed, "God send someone to me to witness to today", and tonight I sat thinking "God didn't send me anyone." Then like a lightening bolt he reminded me of the boy that was in my office with his father.  This young man is headed down the wrong road right now, and all I did was take care of the administrative work that needed completing. I forgot to witness. 

I am always waiting for someone else to start the conversation, and so many times I realize that they are waiting for me to tell them why I have hope. They want me to tell them why I am so happy with the life I live. It may be that they don't even know they are lost. I am praying that God will quicken my spirit when that person I need to witness to comes into my presence.  A preacher, that I have a lot of respect for said, "We can't change the world, but Jesus can."  The world has drifted farther and farther from God, and we worry about the political and social ills of our society.  I have heard people bemoan how Christians just want to tell you about Jesus and not take care of their earthly needs of food and shelter. I believe that until we do take care of their earthly needs they won't hear the message, but be careful that we don't spend our time feeding the poor and never telling them they need Jesus more. They may need clean drinking water, but more than that they need the water Jesus gives that they will never thirst again.  The only way our society will change is if we start introducing them to Jesus and then ".......do what your hand finds to do, for God is with you. (1 Samuel 10:7 ESV)

Laughter Toxicity

I love to laugh; it is better than chocolate in my opinion. In college, I wrote a research paper on laughter and discovered that laughter has been proven to actually work like a medicine.  At the time I wrote my paper, there were laughter clubs in India.  They got together in the park, much like exercise groups would, and they laughed.  They tried to tell jokes in the beginning, but they ran out and discovered that you can make yourself laugh and it works just as well.  I am currently in the process of updating my research, and I see that there is now laughter yoga. The goal of http://www.laughteryoga.org is to bring "good health, joy, and WORLD PEACE through laughter".  Laughter knows no language barriers. 

The last three years have been stressful years, and I started this year with the goal of laughing more. I tried to incorporate things in my life that would make me laugh because I know that laughter releases the bad stress from your body. It just seems like life continued to distract me from laughing. Apparently the average four year old laughs about 300 times a day and the average 40 year old laughs only four according to Psychology Today. These statistics differ depending on what authority you are reading, but they all agree that children laugh vastly more than adults. I do believe I am above average in the laughing department, but I do allow the stress of my life to dictate how much I laugh. 

This past week I went to church camp. When you go to church camp, you always expect to get spiritually pumped up, and I did. I didn't expect to develop "laughter toxicity!" I was sitting around talking with some friends and one of my friends was telling the story of how a poor little girl was stuck in the bathroom stall with no TP. She kept hollering and begging for some TP and nobody would pay attention. I had walked in about this time and finally my friend was handing her a roll of TP over the stall and I noticed it was the wet roll. The thought then went through my mind "Oh no, that is the wet roll.  Why did I not throw that away? I have picked it up and put it back down about ten times. Did I think it was gonna dry out?" Then the little girl cries out plaintively "This TP is wet!"  For some reason this story struck me as hilarious. I was trying to tell my side of the story and I got so tickled that I laughed harder than I have laughed in ages. I lost my breath, I cried, and just could not stop. Everyone was amazed. They hadn't seen me laugh like that and teasingly wondered if I was drunk.  I did eat a Rainbow Pop right before, and it may have gotten blamed for it. In fact, the Rainbow Pop sales shot up after that. It felt so good to laugh, and I still felt the effects of it the next day. I am actively trying to make myself laugh, even if there is nothing funny. Who says you need funny stuff to make you laugh. Just smile and fake a good belly laugh, and you will probably start laughing for real.  I promise you, that if you ever laugh so hard you cry, you will feel better than drunk and the hangover will be glorious. 

Here's the link to my research paper on Laughter
Laughter: Is it Healthy?
http://home.hiwaay.net/~garson/laughter.htm

Church Camp Bubble

This Monday, July 1, I will be entering the church camp bubble where there will be few worries, no stress, and very little anxiety.  There is lots of good music, singing, preaching, devotionals, recreation, cold showers, and that lovely camp food (yes, I speak with some sarcasm here.) I have decided that heaven will be a lot like church camp–except we will all have mansions, a delicious feast  (which will not make us fat), and we will be able to see Jesus always.  

Every year, I get to feeling the need to go to my church camp bubble and this year I have needed it for several weeks.  I just need to get away from the cares of this world and the needs of others.  No, camp is not perfect.  The food, well, the Bogg Burrito has a reputation–if you know what I mean.  The beds have been around since the Civil War, and in order to get cell service you have to stand in the middle of the field, hold out your tongue and lift your right arm in the air while standing only on your left leg. All of this pales in comparison to the love, joy, and peace I get out of church camp.  At the end of the week we all leave full of, what our pastor’s wife has termed, “pumpedupedness”  

On Friday, the church camp bubble will officially “pop” as we all arrive home and face reality. We will still have bills to pay, laundry to wash, grass to mow, and sometimes more serious matters to fill our lives. It makes me long for heaven even more.  The older I get, the more I find myself understanding the saying, “Come Lord Jesus, come quickly we pray.”  

Themepark Therapy

The stress of being an adult gets to everyone eventually and sometimes you just have to take a break from it all and be a kid. Today I took my twelve year old daughter and her best friend to Magic Springs, a theme park in our town. My daughter is a scaredy cat and I have had to make her ride every ride she has ever ridden. I haven’t pushed the roller coasters because I thought at my age it probably wasn’t a good idea.

 

 

Somewhere in the middle of Big Bad John as I began to scream and laugh like a crazy woman, I realized that was exactly what I needed. Sometimes you just need permission to let loose and scream like a banshee. So with all the laughing and all the screaming I have done today, I feel euphoric. I have literally laughed and screamed myself sane. Themeparks are cheaper than therapy and a lot more fun.

Take a Virtual Ride of Big Bad John

The twist on this coaster was the plunge into darkness at the end.
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Take a Virtual Ride of the Arkansas Twister

The Arkansas Twister which used to be at Six Flags over Texas has a 92 foot drop and goes 50-60 miles per hour over many twists and turns.

Fairytales Will Never Be Reality

What makes fairytales so attractive? I am a cynical, practical girl, yet I love a good fairytale. I know that based on statistics almost one-half of all marriages eventually end in divorce. So why do we still buy into this undying love, meeting "the one", finding our soul mate, and falling in love business? Actually, I think that we are addicted to falling in love. I mean who doesn’t like that new feeling of being pursued and having somebody love you more than life itself. When we first fall in love we are willing to change how we dress, where we live, what we eat, our religion, etc. When we fall in love, we can move mountains, cross the ocean, and go to the moon and back; then we write a song about it.

 

 

I wonder if watching and reading all these fairytales are harming our psyches. Do they just help us escape from the nasty now and now or are they making us hope and wish for a different reality? We have allowed ourselves to become completely controlled by our feelings. The problem is that our emotions are fickle. One moment, I want ice cream and the next, I want to go to the beach, and then later I just want to go to sleep. Our wants, emotions, and feelings are causing us to lose grip with reality and screw up the lives we have.

 

 

So take a look in the mirror and embrace the zits, the gray hairs, the bulges and the stray facial hairs. Love the life you have and the one you are with. Realize that the grass still has to be mowed on the other side, and you can’t hire a Gardner. Our relationships are shaping our world, and by tossing them away so easily, we are teaching our children to not commit to anything that doesn’t feel good. The old adage, "if it feels good, do it" is just not working out for us. Sometimes you have to do it because it’s right, and the feelings will follow.

My Story

When writing the story of your life, they always say to start at the beginning.  The first crystalline memory that I have is at the age of twenty-three months.  I remember a warm, summer day under a tent in a grassy area with lots of trees.  There were chairs with people sitting in them all in a row, and my mom was crying.  Nobody wanted to hold me and I was passed from lap to lap.  I remember a lady named Andi Miller singing and then the memories end.  I cannot remember the casket that was there or the huge hole in the ground. My mom says that she had me potty trained before my brother died and that I completely digressed at that point.   

I was about five years old when I started having this memory disguised as a dream.  I kept having the same dream every night, and my mother had just had my other brother, Daren.  I now realize that I was probably worried that he was going to die as well.  When I told my mother the dream, she said, “that sounds like your brother’s funeral.” Since she had never told me about another brother, I was floored. She had a box of momentos from his birth and a picture of him in his casket.  She told me about John David Swisher, Jr., and how he had died the day he was born. She was holding him in the hospital and she commented to the nurse that he was a little blue.  The nurse whisked him out and she never saw him alive again.  Mom always blamed herself, thinking she must have done something that caused it although there was nothing she could have done to prevent it.  They said his lungs must have not been developed right.  

A few years ago, I bought a gravestone for my brother’s grave.  At the time of his death, it was all my parents could do to pay for the funeral and burial and then they got busy raising me and later my two brothers.  It always bothered my mother that they had not bought a marker.  So for Mother’s Day one year, I decided to buy a marker for his grave.  My mother still goes to visit the grave and remembers the baby she only held once. 

I have often wondered what my life would have been like if I’d had a brother just twenty-three months younger than me, but God is writing my life story, not me.  Sometimes I help mess it up, but he ultimately puts His signature on the pages.  We cannot change our past, we can only use it to help guide us in our future.  I have to say that God really is the best at writing my story, but it seems that sometimes I hear myself yelling, “Cut!”  I mean surely that was not what he intended.  I can’t believe that he wants to take this character out or put this character into my life story.  In the end, I always see where God was on the money.  So God, I give you back the reigns again–write my story, and make it sensational!

Just Mud!

So many times we humans do stupid things. Everyday I deal with people who are going through distresses, many times as a result of poor choices they have made. I often wonder as we go about our lives if God and the Angels are watching us and shaking their heads. "Don’t they know where this path is leading?" "I can’t believe they are doing that!" So many times we react to those around us in anger and meanness. We just don’t act very Christ-like. As I was reading Psalms 103, I came across verses 13 and 14

"As a father shows compassion to his children, so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him.  For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust."

I can just imagine God walking up on the angels as they are shaking their heads at our shenanigans and saying, "Now you must remember, they were just made with mud." It is so awesome to think that the God who created me has given me a little leeway, because He realizes He just used dirt to make me. He also wants to remind me that I can’t do anything in my own strength, because I am nothing but dust. Everything good that comes from my being is a direct result of Jesus living in me. There are times that the feelings of failures are more prevalent than others. Paul said he died daily, but I am afraid that I must put my flesh to death more often than that. The awesome thing about God is that His love never ceases and his mercies are new every morning. (Paraphrase of Lamentations 3:22-23.) Everyday I need a fresh dose of mercy and grace to wash away the past and help me face the future.