Psalm 62:5 For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from Him.
I’ve always been a thinker and always enjoyed time alone. I am the oldest child in my family and was the only child for almost 5 years. I have two brothers and although we did play together frequently as young children, the older I got, the more I separated myself to read and think. I can remember my oldest brother, who is nearly 5 years younger than me, was always a chatter box. One day I was driving us somewhere and I finally said in exasperation, "Can you please be quiet so I can think!" The silence lasted all of about two seconds when he piped up and asked, "Whatcha thinking about?" Thomas Carlyle said, "Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves together; that at length they may emerge." Ruminating and thinking are the creative platform for almost anything that gets accomplished in this life.
My adult life started with a bang. I started working at age 17, I moved out at 19. At age 21, I married a widower with two sons. I was attending college full-time and I was working nearly full-time in his office. I had a daughter six years into our marriage and I continued to work in our family practice and brought her to work with me. I’ve had my times of being closer to God and times I’ve drifted away over the years. It just seems that in the past three years with the trials we’ve experienced and the accumulation of years of things I’ve not dealt with, there were times I felt God had vanished. I could see Him working, but it seemed in my own life He was not speaking; He was silent.
I planned this retreat not really knowing what to expect. I’ve never spent this much time alone in my life. I rarely get silence and I’ve also realized that I tend to make sure there isn’t any. I have music or something to occupy my mind available at all times. There is solitude and a heavy silence surrounding the Hesychia House of Prayer. The only sounds are cows, birds, crunching of grass or gravel as you walk. The silence is somewhat deafening because my mind is far from quiescent. The thoughts have come in droves the longer I sit in silence. There is a calendar in my room that says "Deep Silence Blossoms". I’ve realized that silence increases the volume (both the number and sound) of your thoughts. I’ve tried to limit my music and I haven’t really had anyone to speak to. I have walked, sat, laid and just let my mind wander. In the silence, I feel God as sure as I feel my own skin. The thought that has prevailed is that I want to conquer my selfish, human desires and find contentment in only Him. I’m tired of wallowing in self-pity. It’s time to lay it all down and leave it there. In Isaiah 41:1 it says, "Listen to me in silence, ...let the people renew their strength; let them approach, then let them speak..." As I sit and listen to God in silence, I am renewing my strength that was so very depleted. As my strength starts returning, I feel the need to speak.
